Healing
by hoyteca
Summary: Shortly after Ganondorf was redefeated, a war was fought. Now Hyrule, and Link, struggles to heal.


"Here's your soup, Link."

"Thanks Zelda."

Zelda smiled. It wasn't everyday Link got injured saving the world. A few broken bones here and third degree burns there wouldn't stop Link for long.

"How's the rebuilding?" Link asked.

"It's getting done." Zelda told him, "We're working as hard as we can, but there's so much to be done and so few left."

"I'm sorry." Link apologized, "I should have stopped them sooner."

"Don't be silly." Zelda told him, "You're only one guy. If anything, everyone else should be sorry for being so useless. It's a war. It should have taken an army to win it, not just one lone hero."

"But still…"

"But nothing." Zelda told him, "A team that relies too heavily on its captain deserves to lose. It should have been a team effort. Now finish your soup and get some sleep. You heal slower awake."

Zelda smiled. She was used to getting her way and she knew Link would be no exception. She was princess, after all. She would be queen soon, assuming her father's ailment really was incurable. She didn't want him to die. She'd been to enough funerals and she didn't know enough about ruling a country recovering from war.

"I know you're in there, Zelda."

Zelda had grown to dislike that Ilia girl.

"What do you want?" Zelda demanded when she opened the door.

"I know you're trying to get into his pants." Ilia told her, "Just because you're the princess doesn't mean you can take my man away from me."

"Get back to whatever it is you're supposed to do."

"I will, because I'm not some slut who sleeps with whoever saves her worthless, helpless ass that day."

"You had your chance." Zelda spat, "You waited until after the war to make your move. He's mine now. I guess he's Midna's too. We have some sort of agreement going on there. Royal stuff. You wouldn't understand."

"What, are you whoring him out to this Midna person?"

"She loves him more than you ever did."

"You better take that back. At least share him with me."

"Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. It depends on how well you know him. What shocking discovery did he make a week before the latest war?"

"Your dress fits him, assuming he stands on something to make himself taller."

"Lucky guess. What power did he gain during the Twili War?"

"He could turn into a wolf."

"What are his three most recurring dreams?"

"He's turned into a Gerudo, he's a bird, and he's riding a bird."

"You have one date." Zelda told Ilia, "If you can get him to fall in love you, we'll share him with you. You'll get all the perks that come with being his girlfriend or mistress or whatever, including sex. If you fail, you won't even get to call him by just his first, and apparently only, name. To you, he'll be Prince Link."

"I accept your challenge." Ilia told Zelda, "Just tell me when and I'll win his heart."

"Whatever. It's tonight at your house."

"Bye Zelda."

"Bye Ilia."

Zelda smiled as she watched Ilia walk away. Whether Ilia won Link's heart or not, he would still marry Zelda and they would still produce a litter of super-children.

"Who was that?" Link asked when Zelda returned to the room.

"Ilia. She wanted to know how well you're doing. Now get some sleep."

"I hate feeling useless."

"Then sleep so that you'll heal faster. I'm going to move in here until you're better. Consider it my way of repaying my debt."

"But…"

"But nothing. I should have fought alongside you. In fact, I should have raised an army to fight alongside you."

"But…"

"But nothing." Zelda growled, "You're too injured to properly take care of yourself. You can't cook or clean with a broken arm and leg. You're lucky we were able to treat your burns. I'm going to live here and I'm going to take care of the guy who keeps saving my ass."

"But I still…"

"Shut up and sleep." Zelda ordered, "I'm trying to be nice and help a friend who broke an arm saving my ass. I'm going to count to three. If you aren't sleeping by then, I'm drugging you. One…"

"Oh, come on."

"Two…"

"Please don't."

"Three."

Zelda opened the bag of medicines she brought for Link and pulled out a potion.

"I'm not drinking that."

"You don't have to." Zelda explained, "The fumes are enough to safely knock you out. Now, make sure to take a deep breath. You'll be dreaming of having wings or boobs or whatever in no time."

Zelda dipped a rag in the potion and then held it against Link's face until she was sure he was sleeping.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?" Zelda asked the sleeping hero, "You'll learn. By the way, Midna's coming and you have a date with that Ilia guy… girl? I'm not sure if Ilia's a gay guy or a boyish woman. Whatever he or she is, you two have a date."

Zelda smiled as she left his house. He was hers. It didn't matter if he slept with Midna or Ilia. He would officially be hers. It wasn't long before she reached her new home, the castle having been mostly leveled during the war. She opened her closet and began stuffing her dresses, gloves, and shoes into a bag.

"It won't be long now." She told herself, "After we get this country running again, he and I are getting married. Doesn't matter if he refuses. He can't say no to a royal order."

After stuffing her undergarments into the bag, she returned to Link's house.

"He looks so cute sleeping." She thought to herself as she dropped the bag by his bed, "I'll have them put my bed over there so I can watch him sleep when I wake up."

She walked over to Link's cabinet and began putting her clothes away.

"He has so few clothes." She thought to herself, "They're so close to my size. I wonder…"

Zelda locked the door before she undressed. Taking a tunic and a pair of pants out of his cabinet, she looked at Link before she tried them on. They fit, though the pants were a little short.

"They're not that bad." She thought when she looked in a mirror she had given to him as a gift, "If I had shorter hair and no make-up, I'd look like a taller version of him."

She tried on his boots. Sure enough, they fit.

"I'm Link." She mocked as she put on his trademark hat, "I'm the hero. I insist on doing alone what should take an army. Stay home, everyone. I'm the hero. You'd be screwed if I'd died, so let me risk my life. Just stay home and worry while I go on an adventure."

She took a dress out of the cabinet and laid it over Link.

"I don't care if you're an experienced swordsman, Zelda." She continued, "I don't even care if you're a better shot with the bow than I am. I don't care how much you love me. Stay home while I hurt myself fighting some guy you'd have no trouble with. As long as this heart still beats and these lungs still breathe, nothing will get in the way of me hurting myself."

Zelda sat down on the foot of Link's bed.

"Maybe we should switch." She told him, "I'll be the hero and you'll be the princess. You look better in a dress than I do anyway."

She continued to watch him until he woke up a few hours later.

"What time is it?" Link asked as he sat up.

"There's no clock in here." Zelda told him.

"Why are you wearing my tunic?"

"Because I'm the princess and I said so."

"Can you please turn around?" Link asked, "I'd like to get up and I don't seem to be wearing anything."

"I've already seen it." Zelda told him, "Who do you think washes you when you sleep? I can't say I wasn't tempted."

"Tempted, what…?"

"Just let me dress you." Zelda ordered, "It's hard enough waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"Waiting for the rebuilding to finish so that I can marry you." She answered, grabbing the dress as she stood up, "It's already planned out and everything. It will represent a return to normalcy for the kingdom and you will finally be mine. Put this on."

"That dress? Heck no. Also, I don't love you. I love Ilia. And Midna. It's a little complicated, but you're more of a friend that's being a jerk."

"I already set up a date for you and that Ilia girl… Guy?" Zelda told him, "If you want your relationship with her to be more than just future prince and commoner, I suggest you do as I say. No dress means no date means no hugging, kissing, and humping."

"You're bluffing."

"No, saying I'd have her decapitated in front of you is bluffing. Saying I'll burn her house to the ground, destroy anything that reminds anyone of her, and execute anyone who even mentions her name or any of her nicknames is bluffing. Keeping you two separate is more of a promise than a bluff."

"Fine, whatever. I'll wear the damn thing."

"I don't know what you're so upset about." Zelda told him, "You wear that short green dress all the time."

"It's a tunic." Link told her, "It's a long shirt."

"It's a dress." Zelda insisted as she helped guide his good arm through the appropriate hole, "Everyone knows it's a dress. Now, let's get you a glove and a good pair of boots. I know how much you like boots."

After Zelda brought the glove and boots to the bed, she got behind Link and began tying the back of the dress.

"What are you doing now?"

"I'm tying the back of your dress." She told him, "I'm tying it so you won't be able to untie it with just one good hand. Just be glad I'm not locking it."

Link sighed.

"How long do I have to wear this?"

"As long as you're still breathing." She told him as she slipped the boots onto his feet, "You make a better princess and I make a better hero. That would make that Ilia person either a straight guy or a lesbian."

"I don't think that's how lesbianism works."

"As far as Hyrule is going to be concerned, you're a well-built, flat-chested girl with boy parts and I'm a guy with a very feminine body. Be lucky I'm allowing you to have lesbian relationships with Midna and possibly Ilia."

"Did you say Midna?" Link asked, "I thought the mirror thing shattered."

"It got better." Zelda told him, "This whole dress thing was originally her idea."

After sliding the glove on, she stepped back and looked.

"I knew you looked better in it than I do." Zelda told him, "It's probably going to rain tonight. You should wear my cloak."

"Wasn't the dress bad enough?" Link asked.

"You need something warm with a hood. Your body's working hard enough healing you. The last thing it needs is hypothermia."

"That's the last time I save your ass."

"My ass doesn't need saving anymore." Zelda told him, "You're lucky I didn't give you make-up. Now shut up and start princessing. Next time someone tries to kill everyone, I'll be the one doing all the weaponing."

"This has to be the worst day of my life." Link grumbled.

"What about last Tuesday? That's when those two clowns showed up to your house with that Tingle guy. I've never seen a grown man cry so hard until I saw the three of them dancing in front of you."

"Their clothes moved in ways no clothing should ever move. Plus, the jiggling. No person should ever jiggle that much. That jiggling was evil. It was like looking into an evil lava lamp."

"Don't cry." Zelda told him, "I shouldn't have brought back those memories. I'm sorry."

"They tried to make balloon animals." Link told her, "Those weren't balloon animals! Those weren't balloon animals."

"Poor Link. Those clown guys and Tingle broke you. I'm sure you're going to be feeling better in time to show Ilia that new dress of yours."

"Any clowns?" Link asked.

"Only Boozo the Clown." Zelda reassured him, "Only him and his clown friends from AA."

"Zelda, I have a question."

"What is it Link?"

"You're educated, right?"

"Yes, Link."

"What were those ruin things in the Gerudo Desert?"

"Those are the remains of what used to be a Gerudo bar." Zelda explained, "Gerudos used to travel miles to get drunk there. It supplied a great river of spilled beer, vomit, and urine."

"What's a Gerudo?" Link asked.

"A Gerudo is a member of a fierce, proud, and usually drunk member of an almost all-female race. They imported Goron beer and Kokiri cookies and exported fear and rape. You see, women need men in order to produce offspring. When a Gerudo woman feels the need to contribute to the long-term survival of her species, they find the nearest male. When their king, their only living male, isn't available, they head into the nearest Hylian town. There, they find fertile males and mate with them. If a Gerudo likes him enough, she may kidnap him and force him to work as an exotic dancer and prostitute, making many other straight Gerudo women happy. That's why Ganondorf sought to conquer Hyrule. He needed as many males between him and his people as possible so as to avoid their fate."

"What happened to the Gerudo?"

"I'm glad you asked that." Zelda explained, "After the Hero of Time sealed Ganondorf in the Twili Zone, "They decided to find a new place to call home. They captured many Hylian men and women, which they breed like to provide a steady supply of males. Occasionally, they return to Hyrule when their Hylian livestock needs some additional genetic diversity. I might be able to convince them to build an embassy nearby. That way, they can abduct you so you can get a hands-on history lesson."

"I like history!" Link shouted with glee.

"I know you do." Zelda told him, "We all do."


End file.
